By the end of November, I definitely had more on my mind and by December 3rd I couldn't have cared less about posting our Halloween pictures or how I enjoyed working at Kauri Sue Hamilton School for children with severe disabilities. Those were probably the last things on my mind at that point. Instead, I was trying to figure out how my world got so turned upside down and keep my head from spinning in circles.
For those who don't know the details or what on earth I'm talking about, my grandma died. Now, she wasn't JUST my grandma. She was the person I could always talk to, who understood me, who was there for me and loved me no matter what. She loved me and always showed me she loved me every day. She didn't just brush me off or think my ideas were dumb, she listened. I always had my head up in the clouds drawing or in a good book and she let me. She never brought me down. She always knew what to say she always had a hug and she was just always the first person I thought of when I needed someone.
I've spent more time with her over my life than anyone I can think of. She worked at my elementary school in the office so we (Kyla, my sister, and I) would go home with her after school got out. Since she was at the school, we got to spend summers and breaks with her. She and grandpa would take us on their trips, and we have memories of many camping trips in the mountains, Bryce Canyon, Zions national park and of course, Las Vegas.
When she died, I didn't just lose my grandma, I lost the happiest, sweetest, most important lady in my world. Since she has passed, I have found myself so confused at times, just like I'm in a haze. I get so confused. I live in her house but she's not here. I do some of her chores. I water her flowers. I cook on her stove. But things aren't right because she's not here and the world just feels confusing without her. Sometimes I think, This is what it must feel like to lose a limb. You forget that you're without it, and then you go to use it and you have to remember all over again that the world isn't the same place.
I'm blessed because I know that while she's not here, she's in paradise. Knowing what all she's been through and her faith, there's not doubt in my mind she is at peace and happy. But there was literally no way anyone could have guessed she wouldn't be here in 2019.
At the beginning of November she was fine, she became oddly ill but was treated with antibiotics and sent home once the doctors identified her illness, which is very common. She was planning on going out and resuming her normal schedule. Then she suffered a major stroke, multiple small strokes and "officially" died due to complications of endocarditis. (I hate that word btw.)
So now y'all know. There's been a lot going on.
Back in late June, early July, when we first decided that we would listen to The Lord's promptings for us to move, I was
Now, we can help my family grieve together, pick up the pieces and build each other up. We can forge new bonds and traditions. We can enjoy our time with grandpa. We've actually had a lot of good adventures with him, and love him very much. Chase has found a very good job for a company he loves (wink wink) and I have too. We are both enjoying school and the kids only ask if we can move back to Texas occasionally instead of several times a day. We are blessed.
We were given this life to grow to our best selves and in doing so, find joy. When we experience sorrow for loss, it is only because we have loved so deeply. We will be okay.
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